17 May 2010


Can't believe it.

Totally finished with school.


(Thank GOD.)

So here are some pictures.

[me and Pete]

[walking into the church for the pre-commencement]

[Steve, me, and Mary]

[big hug from Mary Helen! (Pete's mom)]

[Jeffie (Pete's dad), me, and Mary Helen]

Okay. Where are the pictures of me with my parents? They were there! I guess those are all on my parent's camera. I'll have to update later.

So that's that!

Okay, I lied. That isn't that. I had a really, really hard day on pre-commencement day. I woke up with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and spent all day throwing up or feeling like I was going to throw up.

I tried EVERYTHING to get myself centered - yoga, meditation, watching 30 Rock, The Office, Community, and Parks and Rec...nothing helped.

Once I got to the church to line up with my classmates, I was feeling a little better. Still icky, but better. We milled around for an hour before we lined up and then I started feeling nervous again.

We got into the church and my family and Pete and his family were sitting close to the back, so I felt better when I saw them. But once we got to the front of the church, I was sitting in the first row - right in front of all the deans and presidents of the school - and I blacked out.

And because I was so nervous, after I had blacked out (for like two seconds, I had closed my eyes and tried to take deep breaths and I opened my eyes and it was like they were still closed - everything was black) I ran to the side of the church and sat there, cowering in fear/texting Pete apologizing profusely and telling him to pass that information to my family.

It was exhausting.

And I was so embarrassed.

But now it's over. I have the pictures to prove that I was there. I graduated. It's not like we actually received our diplomas or anything.

And I learned that since I was so nervous about this, I would be even more nervous about the wedding day, so I am going to go back up on my full dosage of Paxil. I was so angry that I couldn't get myself all the way through it, but it makes more sense to just stay on the meds until I have a more stable life. Things are complicated right now. Lots is going on.

So. That's that. This weekend was exhausting and I'm looking forward to not doing any work this week (short of applying for jobs) and generally relaxing.

1 comment:

surelizzy said...

congrats on graduating again Kaylen! I'm sorry it was not the best day. I've been there. Enjoy your free time this week!!