When I was in high school, I was really, really skinny. Like, size 2 skinny. And it wasn't for any reason, either. A couple times a semester someone would saddle up to me, grab my arm, and get all close, saying, "Kaylen, are you bulimic/anorexic?" Every year. Without fail.
I never was. I never had any issues in that department. Anxiety and small bouts of depression, yes - but it rarely effected my eating. I love food and pretty much always have. I'm not picky when it comes to eating. It must have been my thyroid (or lack thereof).
Mom would see me in my swimsuit every summer when we were on vacation (whether it be at the beach or on a marathon vacation, in the swimming pools of the hotels) and say, "Oh Kaylen, you look so SKINNY I can see your ribs oh my gosh how did you get like that?" all in one breath. You know what I mean, right?
I had a tough time my senior year of high school. The boyfriend (at the time) was not being super nice to me, and we were finishing up high school and making choices about the futures and slowly saying goodbye to everything that we had been familiar with for the last four years.
So, I went back on Paxil. I had been on Paxil for a year, about four years earlier (for a big, stupid reason that I don't want to get into), and the anxiety was taking a toll on my life at school. I would get these horrible panic attacks and have to run out of anatomy class. Especially anatomy class. Who knows why.
So, Paxil. I started to gain a little bit of weight back - nothing substantial. Maybe 10 pounds. Once summer ended and freshmen year of college started, I looked pretty good. Skinny-ish, maybe a size 4 or so. But as college wore on, I ate more food and didn't really exercise at all. And the food I ate was dorm food, especially freshmen and sophomore year - freshmen were pretty much always eating in the cafeteria in the ground floor of the big freshmen dorm, and sophomore year, I was an RA in the freshmen dorm, so...I had free food there.
Throughout the whole thing, and really, ever since I was maybe in 10th grade, my mom has been harping on me for my weight. In high school it was because I was too skinny. In college and up until now, it was because I was too "fat". There was maybe a three or four-week period in which I wouldn't get disdaining looks or comments from mom. I've mentioned it a few times before on this blog. It's annoying.
Anyway. I vowed to NEVER be "one of those girls", the ones that get all worked up about certain sizes they wear and the ones that refuse to wear clothes with tags that are past a certain number. But...I kind of was. A month ago or so, Pete and I went shopping for clothes. Nothing special, just to look at the sales and try stuff on. There were some stores where I couldn't even fit into a size 16. And in short, I was mortified. MORTIFIED. After that fiasco I was cranky and didn't want to go back into another dressing for a long time.
I went to Old Navy a couple of days ago. I love Old Navy. Ever since I first went there back in the late 90s (I'm trying to make myself sound old, can you tell?) I have consistently found things I like there and their jeans are always my favorite jeans out of the ones I have in my dresser/closet. Anyway, my current size of jeans at Old Navy is a size 12. I mean, I can squeeze into size 12. It's not super comfortable. I get the dreaded "muffin top" from time to time but I usually just deal with it.
But I decided to try something new, and try on some size 14 jeans. And they are a little too big, but they're COMFORTABLE. I feel like I can move around in them. I can squat down to little-kid eye level (which is half of my job during the school year) without popping out of them. It's really, really nice to feel comfortable. And like I said, they're a bit big. I need a belt.
But unless you've done the same thing as me, I can't really describe to you how amazing it feels to be COMFORTABLE in my clothes. Even though the size is a little bit bigger than what I would like for it to be, I love how comfortable I am. And you know what? I think may be a bit more comfortable with my weight now.